Wednesday, May 14, 2008

#4 Fibromyalgia - The Dark Days and Day by Day

Because of my health issues and my blood pressure I had to go back on my medications. Again finding out what works for you takes some time and over time there had been changes here and there.

Since I had done pretty good on one of my meds before I had Lindsay my Dr put me back on that one, but I wasn’t feeling better this time. So he added a second medication for my depression. I felt great for the first time in a while; I thought we had found it, something that would really help me. But I as look back, I see I was slipping away as a person. The dose was so strong, I became unable to feel any emotion, happy or sad. I was just here and yet no where. I felt that I was spinning into darkness. My thoughts would speak to me so loudly. but yet I felt that no one was hearing me.

I doubted my worth, and yet I knew better. As months went by, my family grew more and more concerned for me. For some reason I felt I had hit the end. I remember that day very well; I was at church on that first Sunday in June last year (2007) I was sitting at the end of the bench with my head down, feeling nothing but that I was so lonely and lost. I got up, left and went home. Once home I walked around a little, I changed my clothes, then took a large handful of pills and went to my bed, I put a belt around my neck as tight as I could make it go and laid down.

I don’t think that I really wanted to end my life that day; 
I just wanted rest and to feel some peace. Donny had a feeling to come home, he found me with the belt around my neck and ripped it off. Very upset with me and scared, he called my Mom. I rested that evening, and then went to my Dr the next morning. They were seeing if I was going to hurt myself again. I stopped taking the two medications immediately. The problem was the two of them together. I was sent to a Psychologist and started therapy. I only had a few sessions, and was put on yet another medication. It was a slow recovery. The new medication added 25 pounds to my frame in just 3 months, adding more to my depression and also to my pain. So after 6 months I went off that one. I guess when it’s a choice between life or death, being fat is not a problem.

Mom & Christi
At Mom’s Ward Picnic - June 2007
(about two weeks after that very dark day)

So here I am back on the original medication I was on, taking things one day at a time. I still struggle with pain and fatigue and can still feel very alone. But I have also found things that help me. First - good healthy food, drinking lots of water and getting enough sleep (I have to take naps). Gentle exercise, sunlight and fresh air, Good music, Prayer, Knowing my limits and saying "No, I can’t do it this time." (It’s okay to say No) Priesthood blessings anytime I feel I need one. Laughter and good friends that love me. I also know that my Father Heaven loves me and knows me by my first name.

We are constantly beating ourselves up, STOP it!. So do not judge each other, we do not know, we do not always see the hurt and struggles they are going through. Let us be more aware, sensitive and kinder to each other. Lets us love unconditionally, serve one another and hug each other. You can only do your best and move on.

People like to ask me all the time “how are doing?” I’m not sure how to answer that question. Do they really want to know HOW I am doing? Most of the time I say, “I am here and I am hanging in” Each day brings different challenges, but it brings rewards too.

I am blessed to be alive, even if I suffer daily. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband and the gift of being a mother. It can be so totally frustrating and at the same time so amazing. I am blessed to have the gospel in my life, and I am grateful for the Atonement, that I need so often.

I have opened myself to you so that you might understand more. That this life is a journey and not a destination, and that we can and should help each other a long the way.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday


Lois said...

My heart aches for your pain, and has for years. I am so proud of how you continue to try to find the answers that will decrease your suffering. It is amazing to me how you keep going and are able to do so much and still use your talents. I am so pround of you. Love Mom

Athena said...

Hi, Christi!
I just happened upon your blog. I don't even remember how, maybe through Mary's, I'm not sure. Anyway, I LOVE it!!! You have such a cute and amazing family!
Um, I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering and hard times. I really had no idea and would have never guessed! You are an amazing woman, mother and person all around! I admire you so much!!!
I'm not sure what I can do, but if I can EVER be of ANY help(even just take Linsday for a couple hours or anything!) PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!! My home and heart are always open! (I'm a Stay at Home Mom, so I'm usually home!)
Athena Hughes

Athena said...

Oh, and bytheway, thanks for sharing your story!!!